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What has changed since I last wrote?  I looked back to see lots of posts revolving around what I was reading (which I would love to continue to document here or you can follow along on Goodreads because I log everything there!).  I posted about food often as well.  I was forcing myself to think of this space as "themed and content" driven, but what I really want/need is a journal type format to mind dump.  I have a lot on my mind!  I know people will read these words (maybe just a handful of people, but people still the same!) and my new goals are simple vulnerability and honesty.  Please read with grace for a person in process.  

I think the biggest thing I am learning in this season is if something is a priority, you make time for it.  If it is not, you won't.  I have had quite a few people ask me how I have time to read with 2 little kids and a farm to manage and I tell them, I just do.  I just read a little bit here and there and listen to audio books while I am farming and read my bible with bleary eyes at 530am before my kids wake up.  Now, I am a woman with a wonderful support system.  A husband who handles more than half of our responsibilities and a family who (in normal times) fills in the gaps.  So I have no excuse.  I can read and write and exercise and get outside and cook and clean and do it all.  But to what end?  What is motivating me?  Is it love for my family and my home?  Is it Biblical truths?  Or is it obligation and do I complain the entire time?  This piece matters more than I was giving it credit for.

Life with two kids is so different.  I miss so many things that are selfish and real.   And I truly am tired.  I can choose to move forward everyday with frustrations and anger about all the things that "have to get done" and believe me when I say I have complained through the last few months and made my husband a bit crazy; OR I can move forward with grace for my family and a very real sense of humility to take care of my world.  

Henry turns 1 this Friday and my heart feels simultaneously proud that my baby is getting older and happy to put the baby stage behind us.  I am sad to see this stage pass by, since his snuggles are actually the best thing that ever existed, but believe me when I say I am grateful beyond measure for his sweet smile and for the privilege it is to raise children.  My heart expands daily and my patience is tested constantly.  

Do you ever look up and think "When did I get here?"  "How am I already at this point in life?"  or "When will life slow down?".  I have realized that we control the pace of our life, so when I feel those things, I am working to actively slow down the pace of my day and take deep breaths and acknowledge the fleetingness of any season.    

More processing to come.  Feedback is welcome.


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