|23 Years Old and so Insecure - 10 Years Ago|
I have felt compelled to write about something lately, and been shying away from it, which is not my typical style. As I look back over my life, I have recently realized that I finally feel like "enough". I know my worth is in the Lord and I know I am beautiful and worth people's time, but that has not always been my story. Far too often from the ages of 12 to 30, I defined my worth by whether someone was interested in dating me or not and after I got married, whether people "liked me" and wanted to be my friend or to hire me. Was I pretty enough? Interesting enough? Worth someone's time? Talented enough? Smart enough? etc...
Recently, as pictures pop up in my Timehop (an app that shows pictures taken the same day as far back as it can reach through social media and the camera roll on my phone), I distinctly remember feeling like I was either fat or unattractive in most pictures. I remember being embarrassed of my pants size. I remember wearing tons of makeup and thinking I needed to in order to be considered pretty and for people to find me attractive or even give me the time of day. Thinking about this pains me, because as I look at these pictures, I see a young beautiful girl with so much to offer the world. I was so insecure. So damaged by years of these impressions of what was important plaguing me. I didn't know what I liked or who I was because I was working so hard for the approval of others. I spent so much time gearing my interests towards what I thought would make me more interesting, instead of what spoke to my soul.
Now my question becomes, is this a part of growing up? Finding your worth in a sea of insecurity, or finding out your identity lies in the Lord? That it does not lie in the hands of others. Seeing yourself as beautiful when you look in the mirror doesn't come naturally to everyone, so what did I do that brought me to that realization that I can pass on? How can I teach my daughter to avoid some of the insecurity that comes with life and encourage her from an early age to see her beauty and worth? Is that even possible? Or is it all a part of "growing up"?
How do we help our children avoid looking back and seeing their beauty 10 years after the fact and rather help them to see how beautiful they are here and now? How do we instill in them that self worth sooner? Can we? Does anyone have answers?
I would love feedback on this topic as I lean into parenting and notice these changes that have taken place in my heart. Surrounding myself with people who see me for who I am has certainly been a step in the right direction, but what if people do not have that option? What if their option is being alone and loneliness is worse than the insecurity others predicate in their lives? Where does this leave them?
To those that have spoken life into me in the past 10 years, thank you. I needed it more than you knew.
To those that need a positive voice, I am here.
We each have to choose to believe affirmations from those around us, and I am still working on that.
Will you join me?