Skip to main content

Constantly Processing

Does anyone else feel like their mind is constantly spinning, processing, and attempting to improve?  I am gonna give you a glimpse of what is going on in my brain lately...

As I near the end of this second pregnancy and pass through another birthday, I can't help but ponder every little thing I do.  Is it worth my time and energy?  Should I be investing in anything I am not?  What am a doing that I should drop?  What am I not doing that I should add on?

I want to get back to being creative, but my minimalist mindset feels like creating for the sake of creating is wasteful (even though I know it is not)... I want to teach my kids to be creative for no reason so why do I struggle with it so much myself?

I have been pondering if "routine" is really best for us/me.  I think it has benefits for sure, but I am just feeling like everyday of my life can feel like ground hog day if I get too set in my routine.  Don't you think it is best to change it up a bit?  But the familiarity of routine has been proven to help with anxiety, which I struggle with, so where does that leave me?  

I am about 7 months pregnant, but I still have a hard time humbling myself and asking for help, even from my wonderful husband.  I am exhausted and spent and uncomfortable constantly, but it's like if I can keep up my appearances and not let anyone know then I won't have to deal with it and that sounds easier than the honesty  route.  Why is it so hard to admit when we need something?

This year for lent our church is taking a deep dive and giving up sugar, alcohol, media (social media, websites, tv, etc...) and "unnecessary spending" in addition to a weekly 24 hour fast (which I am not doing because of the aforementioned pregnancy) and prayer around the clock.  I realized that when I take these kinds of tasks on, and I assume most people go through this, I feel lost as to "what to do" and I end up feeling frustrated with myself for feeling that way.  Without media what is left?  Isn't that awful... Struggling to feel present...Gets me thinking about where my time falls.  Sticking to this is already hard and I am 1.5 days in... I am sure I will be processing this quite a bit the next 40 days.

Does anyone else worry that they love their first baby so much they cannot imagine loving another baby with the same capacity?  I keep imagining another little life and I know I will love them, but guys Reagan is my life right now... how can I love another person like I love her?  I am sure I am about to find out!  But can you pray for me as I navigate that one?

This post is just a lot of processing, rhetorical questions and ponderings, but if you have any insight for me, or are just asking the same questions, feel free to reach out!


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

In the Nursery: Whole Hearted Parenting Manifesto

I recently finished a book by Brene Brown titled, DaringGreatly
It really moved me, and I am definitely still processing it.
At the beginning of the book I wasn’t resonating deeply with the topic of vulnerability, as most people will tell you I am an “open book”.  I will answer most questions without holding back and love to deep dive into good conversation.  However, what I came to realize through her many examples is that we all wrestle with vulnerability, guilt and shame throughout this book even if is more momentary than constant.  I gleaned SO MUCH from this book that I did not anticipate, and I thought I would share this Parenting Manifesto that she put right at the end of the book.  I am printing it and framing it for our nursery, as I think it communicates some deep parts of my heart cry for parenting my kiddos well.

I hope this resonates with someone else as much as it did with me.  
I needed these words to remind me that parenting is not a checklist, it is a lifestyle.  …

At the Library - May through September 2019 Reading

We had another baby in May (SO much more on that later) and blogging has obviously taken a back seat, but I am still reading for pleasure and have managed, in my sons first four months of life, to complete these 8 books!  Y'all, I remember a time when even completing 2 books a year would have sincerely sounded daunting, much less with a newborn.  If you want to read more, you can find the time!  Take stock of your days and see where you are wasting hours.  For some of these, I listened to the audio book while I was pumping or watering the garden.  
Rather than give you an individual breakdown of each of these books, I just want to report I found them all incredibly enjoyable.  A total cross section of a food memoir to a psychology deep dive to nature centric novels, I would recommend them all in different capacities.  



A Penny For Your Thoughts - On Insecurity and Looking Back

I have felt compelled to write about something lately, and been shying away from it, which is not my typical style.  As I look back over my life, I have recently realized that I finally feel like "enough".  I know my worth is in the Lord and I know I am beautiful and worth people's time, but that has not always been my story.  Far too often from the ages of 12 to 30, I defined my worth by whether someone was interested in dating me or not and after I got married, whether people "liked me" and wanted to be my friend or to hire me.  Was I pretty enough?  Interesting enough? Worth someone's time?  Talented enough?  Smart enough? etc...
Recently, as pictures pop up in my Timehop (an app that shows pictures taken the same day as far back as it can reach through social media and the camera roll on my phone), I distinctly remember feeling like I was either fat or unattractive in most pictures.  I remember being embarrassed of my pants size.  I remember wearing to…