Skip to main content

The Truth Comes Out - Overwhelming Fear

There are days where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and for no reason.  I just feel like I cannot handle anything else, including what is already on my ever filling plate.  Lately, I have been getting overwhelmed in odd moments.  A small item added to my pile throws me into a state of chaos.  I wish I could say I have it under control, but the truth is that it is a daily battle.  In the moments of extreme panic I have to decide to allow God to be in control.  Ultimately, it is a fear of a lack of control.  Fear of losing what I hold tightest to in this world.  It sounds extreme, but it really is something I have to constantly struggle with and 

Does anyone else struggle with this?  I want you to know deeply and whole heartedly you are not alone.  Which helps me to know that I know I am not alone.  I am taking this process one day at a time and one battle at a time.  I feel like it may be something I battle for the rest of my life, though I daily pray for the relief of this overwhelming fear.  It is such a state of utter frustration that I often times sink into.  I break down in tears and hate to be alone.  I wonder why some people live this way and others were granted the blessing of fearing nothing.  I feel like this has crept up inside me over the years, and that I used to be much more fearless. When and why did this change?

My husband cannot fix this for me, although bless his heart he tries.  This is something God and myself need to work out.  I need to learn to trust him.  He has my life under control and he has my heart in his hands.  There is a certain amount of hesitation that is acceptable in the day to day, but there is not room for crippling fear.  It's hard to explain, but it feels like I am living in a constant state of darkness and being unsure.

I know that this fear is not of the one who saved me and made me a complete person in Him.  This fear is not something I have to live in.  This fear is conquerable.  

God grant me peace of heart.  Remind me that I am yours and not of this world.  I believe there is good in this world, because you created this world.  While evil exists, it does not have to be what drives my fear.  Help me to concentrate on perfect love, because that is what your word tells me casts out all fear.  

To those who take the time to read this, do no worry.  This has always been a part of my life, but it is just something I am attempting to be more honest about.  I keep my panic inside and it has caused some physical discomfort, and I want people to know that while I always choose to be kind and understanding of others, it is time for me to be fully understood.  Be patient with me as I become more honest about this :)

I will write more soon.  Just these words have helped me conquer one of my fears, which was people knowing I am constantly afraid.  Thanks you caring enough to be sensitive with this information.


Popular posts from this blog

In the Nursery: Whole Hearted Parenting Manifesto

I recently finished a book by Brene Brown titled, DaringGreatly
It really moved me, and I am definitely still processing it.
At the beginning of the book I wasn’t resonating deeply with the topic of vulnerability, as most people will tell you I am an “open book”.  I will answer most questions without holding back and love to deep dive into good conversation.  However, what I came to realize through her many examples is that we all wrestle with vulnerability, guilt and shame throughout this book even if is more momentary than constant.  I gleaned SO MUCH from this book that I did not anticipate, and I thought I would share this Parenting Manifesto that she put right at the end of the book.  I am printing it and framing it for our nursery, as I think it communicates some deep parts of my heart cry for parenting my kiddos well.

I hope this resonates with someone else as much as it did with me.  
I needed these words to remind me that parenting is not a checklist, it is a lifestyle.  …

A Penny For Your Thoughts - On Insecurity and Looking Back

I have felt compelled to write about something lately, and been shying away from it, which is not my typical style.  As I look back over my life, I have recently realized that I finally feel like "enough".  I know my worth is in the Lord and I know I am beautiful and worth people's time, but that has not always been my story.  Far too often from the ages of 12 to 30, I defined my worth by whether someone was interested in dating me or not and after I got married, whether people "liked me" and wanted to be my friend or to hire me.  Was I pretty enough?  Interesting enough? Worth someone's time?  Talented enough?  Smart enough? etc...
Recently, as pictures pop up in my Timehop (an app that shows pictures taken the same day as far back as it can reach through social media and the camera roll on my phone), I distinctly remember feeling like I was either fat or unattractive in most pictures.  I remember being embarrassed of my pants size.  I remember wearing to…

At the Library - May through September 2019 Reading

We had another baby in May (SO much more on that later) and blogging has obviously taken a back seat, but I am still reading for pleasure and have managed, in my sons first four months of life, to complete these 8 books!  Y'all, I remember a time when even completing 2 books a year would have sincerely sounded daunting, much less with a newborn.  If you want to read more, you can find the time!  Take stock of your days and see where you are wasting hours.  For some of these, I listened to the audio book while I was pumping or watering the garden.  
Rather than give you an individual breakdown of each of these books, I just want to report I found them all incredibly enjoyable.  A total cross section of a food memoir to a psychology deep dive to nature centric novels, I would recommend them all in different capacities.