Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Penny For Your Thoughts - Looking Back & Missing Italy

I took this my first day in Italy, and will always remember my town just like this...
I realized something about my writing the other day, and that is that I am much more present in my writing than I am in my brain.  I am constantly thinking back, but I never write about my past.  Sure, I write a story here or there reminiscing on my African travel, but rarely do you hear about my life pre-California unless it is in reference to my family.  Lately, I have found myself pining for Italy.  Did you know I lived there?  Probably not, because I rarely mention it!

I knew I was going to love it there, but it has stuck with me since the moment I left.  I have wanted to go back every  minute of every day since then.  The simplicity of life, the emphasis on slowing down, the architecture, the food, the flowers, the people, the color, the trains, the bikes, the gelato, the smiles and laughter, the wine, and the cities are only scratching the surface of things I love from the beautiful country of Italy!  I want to be there now, and every day from here on out, and I want to bring all the people I love, and I want to wander the streets with them and buy them treats and sit in cafes and drink hot chocolate that is the consistency of pudding.

Generally I try and focus on where I am and what I am doing, but I have let my mind wander to Italy lately.  Even though I preach being present, I have started to wonder what my life would be like if I had never left Italy.  Its baffling really.  The decision to move to California and not go back to Italy has brought me on a path that will last a lifetime, because of that decision, I met Bill.  He has changed my life for the better, and he is ALWAYS in my Italy daydreams, but he wouldn’t have been there if I had just gone straight back.  We never would have crossed paths.  I don’t know where that leaves me.  Should I stop daydreaming about this place that never would have held him and I together? 

It’s beauty is incredible and really impossible to explain, you MUST experience it firsthand.  I often wonder if I ever will again.  This blog entry is honestly hard to write.  Italy is SO deep in my heart it is difficult to come to an understanding that I will probably never live there again.  This is my vulnerability at its hardest.  I am processing through this with you.  My heart breaks when I think that this beautiful place will never again be in my life on a daily basis.  When I left I made all sorts of promises about returning, but the truth is, I may go back and see it again, but I will most likely never spend 4 straight months wandering its streets on a long term adventure. 

When I think about being there, I want to cry.  Both because I miss it and because it feels unreachable.  Sure, I can max out a credit card and visit, but it isn’t that easy.  I think what I am missing is my youth.  Yes, I am only 26 and still young, but I have more responsibility and consistency now.  I have bills and a life.  I do not need people to say “Welcome to the Real World,” I am already aware that such is life.  I just find myself wishing things were different… and less hard.

Maybe this is why I find the past hard to write about.  In the future is hope and things to look forward to, but in the past are things and people I miss.  Italy was a wonderful season of my life, and I will never forget it.

Where do you miss? 
What does your heart long for?

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