Thursday, September 8, 2011

Today I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious and frustrated and tired.  Why can't life be like this picture? Relaxing and calming... Where is the line between selfishness and my own personal happiness.  How can I do everything for others while taking care of myself? Am I over complicating it?

Everyone in my life sees a free spirit when they look at me, but any label is hard.  Sometimes I want to be uptight and demanding, but feel that I have to maintain this perception and understanding of someone who goes with the flow.  Today I feel selfish, and guilty.  I'm tired of trying to please everyone, yet I want to please everyone else first.  I do not want to have my own way, but I really want people to understand what I want.

I always tell people they cannot get mad if they are not honest about what they want.  "People cannot read your mind."  Well, what I am learning is that I cannot practice what I preach.  I wish I was less self aware often, but then I would not be me.  I know I am better off understanding life and love.  I know I am blessed beyond measure to be given the life I have and the love surrounding me.  I wish I didn't take it for granted everyday.  I can always do better and strive more, yet I rarely choose to.  Why?  Especially when I know better... So frustrating and confusing...

God, grant me the patience to continue to live with you first, others second, and me last.  Let me see the beauty in this decision and let others see the difference in their lives.  My prayer is for continued realization that it is not about me and a greater appreciation for laying down my life for the sake of making others more comfortable.  I apologize for being selfish and I pray I can take charge of the next phase of my life and live entirely for you with your purposes in mind. 

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