Skip to main content

Today I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious and frustrated and tired.  Why can't life be like this picture? Relaxing and calming... Where is the line between selfishness and my own personal happiness.  How can I do everything for others while taking care of myself? Am I over complicating it?

Everyone in my life sees a free spirit when they look at me, but any label is hard.  Sometimes I want to be uptight and demanding, but feel that I have to maintain this perception and understanding of someone who goes with the flow.  Today I feel selfish, and guilty.  I'm tired of trying to please everyone, yet I want to please everyone else first.  I do not want to have my own way, but I really want people to understand what I want.

I always tell people they cannot get mad if they are not honest about what they want.  "People cannot read your mind."  Well, what I am learning is that I cannot practice what I preach.  I wish I was less self aware often, but then I would not be me.  I know I am better off understanding life and love.  I know I am blessed beyond measure to be given the life I have and the love surrounding me.  I wish I didn't take it for granted everyday.  I can always do better and strive more, yet I rarely choose to.  Why?  Especially when I know better... So frustrating and confusing...

God, grant me the patience to continue to live with you first, others second, and me last.  Let me see the beauty in this decision and let others see the difference in their lives.  My prayer is for continued realization that it is not about me and a greater appreciation for laying down my life for the sake of making others more comfortable.  I apologize for being selfish and I pray I can take charge of the next phase of my life and live entirely for you with your purposes in mind. 


Popular posts from this blog

In the Nursery: Whole Hearted Parenting Manifesto

I recently finished a book by Brene Brown titled, DaringGreatly .  It really moved me, and I am definitely still processing it. At the beginning of the book I wasn’t resonating deeply with the topic of vulnerability, as most people will tell you I am an “open book”.  I will answer most questions without holding back and love to deep dive into good conversation.  However, what I came to realize through her many examples is that we all wrestle with vulnerability, guilt and shame throughout this book even if is more momentary than constant.  I gleaned SO MUCH from this book that I did not anticipate, and I thought I would share this Parenting Manifesto that she put right at the end of the book.  I am printing it and framing it for our nursery, as I think it communicates some deep parts of my heart cry for parenting my kiddos well. I hope this resonates with someone else as much as it did with me.   I needed these words to remind me that parenting is not a checklist,

A Penny For Your Thoughts - Looking Back & Missing Italy

 I took this my first day in Italy, and will always remember my town just like this... I realized something about my writing the other day, and that is that I am much more present in my writing than I am in my brain.   I am constantly thinking back, but I never write about my past.   Sure, I write a story here or there reminiscing on my African travel, but rarely do you hear about my life pre-California unless it is in reference to my family.   Lately, I have found myself pining for Italy.   Did you know I lived there?   Probably not, because I rarely mention it! I knew I was going to love it there, but it has stuck with me since the moment I left.   I have wanted to go back every   minute of every day since then.   The simplicity of life, the emphasis on slowing down, the architecture, the food, the flowers, the people, the color, the trains, the bikes, the gelato, the smiles and laughter, the wine, and the cities are only scratching the surface of things I love from the bea

At the Library - May through September 2019 Reading

We had another baby in May (SO much more on that later) and blogging has obviously taken a back seat, but I am still reading for pleasure and have managed, in my sons first four months of life, to complete these 8 books!  Y'all, I remember a time when even completing 2 books a year would have sincerely sounded daunting, much less with a newborn.  If you want to read more, you can find the time!  Take stock of your days and see where you are wasting hours.  For some of these, I listened to the audio book while I was pumping or watering the garden.   Rather than give you an individual breakdown of each of these books, I just want to report I found them all incredibly enjoyable.  A total cross section of a food memoir to a psychology deep dive to nature centric novels, I would recommend them all in different capacities.   We have fallen a bit behind on our Bible reading, but we WILL finish by the end of the year. You do not make it to September