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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Only Thing for Certain is Uncertainty

I used to live in a world where I could be drinking tea in the middle of a field with no cups and no tea.  I could be running for my life from a dinosaur, in my backyard.  I could be anywhere I wanted doing anything I wanted, and then I grew up.  I hate that those worlds no longer exist.  I hate that I cannot play and pretend anymore.  Imagination is crushed by the realty of dreams not being possible.  You cannot see the world unless you are independently wealthy.  You will have to pick and choose which dreams you actually want to achieve because seeing it all is not something that is in the cards for you.

Discouraged.  Angry.  Sad.  I hate hearing people tell me to dream smaller, wish less, and pursue money.  I want to breathe in Tuscany with the wind blowing in my face on a  Vespa, I want to have a picnic in front of the Eifel Tower with cheese and wine and crackers, I want go to the floating market in Thailand and wear a silly hat, I want to see the Northern lights while drinking a hot cup of cocoa, I want to see a Red Sox game in Fenway and eat a hot dog, and the list goes on and on.  I don’t want to choose. 

I am at a crossroads that will never be decided for me.  Moving to the other side of the country was a romantic idea that worked out for me in a lot of ways, but my family is now 3000 miles away as I put down roots.  What do I sacrifice?  I have worked hard to establish myself in the way that I have always dreamed of.  I am the person I want to be.  I work towards Godly selflessness in a way that most would see as exhausting.  Where does that leave me.  My heart is divided and so is my head.  I cannot imagine this one away.  I am not writing to report on some incredible discovery that I made that magically solves the problem, but I am making it clear that some decisions are not black and white.  This is the perfect example.  Career will never be what I base my decisions on, but unfortunately money does make life much easier.   Sometimes there is not a right choice, just a bunch of choices.  Do I stay where I am?  Do I move home?  Do I move to a third place? 

I know it seems like I always ask a million questions and never come to any conclusions, but I have always believed the day we accept things as easy is the day that we stop growing.   Opportunity costs were one of the concepts I grasped most easily in school.  In order to do one thing, you have to give up the opportunity to do something else.  I guess that is what I am weighing out.  The good news is in all scenarios I am surrounded with love, affirmation, and peace that God has my best interests at heart.

I would also urge anyone to live in the present.  We are where we are for a reason.  As a great man once said to me, “It is what it is.”  As I stress about my next moves and worry about whether I will be going down the right path, I also know that many wish they were young again and I should revel in life as an uncertainty while I still have the heart and imagination to do so.  With time comes responsibility, and I will tackle that when I need to.  As for today, I will love with my whole heart and learn how to be selfless for others so in the future I am not worried about my own opportunity costs, but rather how I can help others achieve their dreams.   

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